Let's face it. It's hard to argue with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, on account of:

  1. they're awesome
  2. they combine chocolate (awesome) and peanut butter (also awesome, and boo to anyone/Europeans who say otherwise)
  3. chocolate and peanut butter are by definition foods and not human beings with the capacity for reasoning, so any argument would be very one-sided, and you'd probably feel pretty stupid throughout, and this would undermine your performance, and you'd probably lose all kinds of points from the judges on technical grounds, just because they think you're a big bully, but you're totally not, 'cause let's be honest, that little cup-thing has been asking for it

Wait. Where was I? Oh right...

To summarize: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups = YAY!

And because the Peanut Butter Cup is so great (nee awesome) in it's original form, I'm going to let slide all the kooky varieties, including "crunchy," "white chocolate," "dark chocolate," "big," "cookie," "...and jelly," and even "egg."

For the sake of time, I will also stipulate that Reese's Pieces are also awesome (though I've learned from personal experience that you need to sound that out slowly), as is the Reese's NUTRAGEOUS! bar, as is most-assuredly the Reese's Puffs breakfast cereal.



(An excellent source of calcium! Boxes don't lie!)

But they should have stopped there. They could have hung up their half-peanut-butter, half-chocolate chef's hats with pride after all that and retired happily to a half-peanut-butter, half-chocolate retirement village in half-peanut-butter, half-chocolate-Florida.

But recently, new horrible concoctions have been emerging from Reese's laboratory. To wit:



The Reese's Fast Break bar, so named because its inventor had mere seconds to memorize the ingredients to a Snicker's bar before the dogs broke their chains and he had to make a fast break for it.


Or the Reese's Whipps bar, which tastes an awful lot like a Three Musketeers bar, if the Three Musketeers bar came in nothing-flavored. Mmmmmmm, nothing! No, I didn't think it could happen, but someone has finally created a candy bar that makes me think, "Wow! I'd rather be eating a Three Musketeers bar right now."

The less said about ReeseSticks or Reese's Crispity-Crunchity bar (sorry, Crispy Crunchy bar), the better.


Honestly, it's like they're not even trying to be original anymore. It's like the great Hershey overlords threatened Reese's with huge layoffs if they didn't start rolling out new products, so they all ran down to the grocery store in a mad scramble to see what the kids were eating nowadays.

These have to be the worst conceived candy bars since Hershey rolled out the Take 5 way back in ought-four. Ah, the Take 5! The only candy bar audacious enough to mix the delicious tastes of chocolate, caramel, whole pretzels, peanuts, and peanut butter, and have the temerity to list peanuts and peanut butter as two different ingredients.


You might as well list the ingredients as chocolate, caramel, whole pretzels, salt on whole pretzels, and peanut products.

Mmmmmmmmmm, peanut products.

Must... go... eat... badness...